What’s up, 2021? (Public journal)
Ah, 2020.
I couldn’t really remember anything from March, to be honest. Everything felt blurry back then and I could only remember the image of my desk and my room. It’s the only thing I could think of. I couldn’t picture myself anywhere.
No one knew that 2020 was going to be such a mess. But despite the unfortunate events, I’d like to believe I was one of the luckiest to survive this year healthily in terms of physical, mental, and emotional state.
There were a lot of people who considered staying indoors for too long as a curse because it really is unfortunate to leave yourself with your thoughts especially if they aren’t healthy at all. But in my case, it was an opportunity to constantly reflect and simply talk to myself.
I didn’t have any achievements the past year and it’s definitely fine.
I couldn’t remember anything at all from March to August but September was clear as daylight to me. It was the month where I concluded to myself that I stopped taking interest in art. I kept repeating in my head for many weeks, “ Ayoko gumawa. Ayoko mag drawing.” And I was happily concluding that to myself. There were no regrets, and I felt unapologetic. This pandemic season allowed everyone to welcome their artistic side, but it wasn’t the case for me.
Back then, I kept telling myself that I have to keep practicing. I have to keep drawing to not fall behind. I have to keep practicing to improve my art. I kept telling myself to work my ass off, again and again. I remember having this kind of mantra which goes, “Gawa lang nang gawa!” and I remember saying that to myself and to anyone else with such high energy. But these days, I couldn’t say that mantra any longer with the same energy.
I realized that I don’t need to keep drawing. I don’t need to practice if I don’t want to. It’s the year where I was reminded that I can drive at my own pace and that nothing is set in stone. I used to feel guilty when I would stop drawing for at least three days because I felt like I was wasting time. “Sayang yung oras dapat nagp-practice ako. Sayang dapat nag-aaral ako mag-drawing.” were the phrases I subconsciously think of.
The latter part of 2020, I gained the confidence to do what I want rather than what I think I should do. It didn’t matter if it wasn’t related to my career or if it wasn’t a contribution to my career growth. Playing games, indulging myself in movies, spending nights in journal writing, or anything that felt like a waste of time before— it didn’t matter. Just because I’m an artist doesn’t mean I have to produce something everyday, every week, every month. I don’t have to set anything for myself. I don’t need to demand anything. I don’t need expectations.
As an artist, I used to think studying art is important for me to improve, but I’d like to believe that exploring art is much more important for me to become happy.
It didn’t matter any longer if I stopped growing in art. If I did stop growing in art, it definitely means I’m growing a different corner of myself. I believe I won’t lose anything if I stop. And I can definitely pick up where I left off when I want to.
When I came to a full stop with whatever I was doing for my career, it came to me that what I have right now is already a reward, and it simply needs appreciation. And taking a step back is my way of giving an appreciation of what I have at the moment. I’d like to think I’m still the same. I still know what I want and what I want to do. I still firmly believe in my vision.
“Gawa lang nang gawa” is a mantra that I had back then but changing that to “Gawa lang nang gawa kung kelan mo gusto” sets a reminder for me that I don’t have to do things if I don’t want to. And if I have to do something, it’s not about “Not giving fucks”, it’s about giving the right fucks over the wrong fucks.
2020 is the year where I learned to be comfortable with the discomfort of speaking my truth without apology. From here on out, I won’t compensate my happiness over the need to prove myself to anyone. I don’t want to stop or take a pause just because I’m tired. I want to stop or take a pause because I want to.
Being on both ends of the ‘pressure’ spectrum, I realized the pros and cons of each side. ‘Hustling’ pushed me to wonders, and it allowed me to do things that I thought I can never do. It pushed my boundaries even further. I went a long way and I got to see new things. I gained achievements and rewards. I gained a list of clients and projects, opportunities to work with different people, and chances to expose myself as an artist.
On the other hand, when I took my time and just took things slow, I got to see the view a lot better. The idea of taking my time to appreciate the existence of almost anything that’s going on around me allowed me to experience the art of gratitude. It allowed me to look at the most simple things and appreciate their existence, be it a small flower or stone. Being mindful of the beauty of the many things outside my world helped me understand life a lot better. It was definitely much more fulfilling than having a long list of clients and projects or receiving certificates or awards.
Deciding not to think about what I should do to improve my craft wasn’t easy. It took a lot of courage to fully accept that I don’t want to do anything art-related for a while.
It’s a daunting experience when I start to compare myself when I’m not getting what I want, when I feel like I haven’t achieved something, or when I feel I was being left behind. I wanted to be kind to myself, and so I stopped trying to do things that harm (and can harm) my well-being. I rejected clients and projects, I stopped creating art for myself, I rejected collaborations from fellow artists.
Besides being an artist, I want to be kind to myself, to be someone who can speak her own opinions, and to be someone who can do whatever she wants with conviction.
The previous year, I learned to sit with my emotions and to stop myself from stopping these emotions. Like in a museum, I learned to step back and appreciate the beauty of the different emotions that I’ve been feeling. I learned to appreciate its natural state. From here on out, I want to be a museum where I can freely visit it anytime I want to.
I learned to choose battles, too. I don’t feel the need to keep fighting every battle just to prove I’m a worthy fighter.
I learned to stop demanding from myself. I don’t need to put pressure if I don’t have to. I don’t have to be as good as anyone.
I learned to take more responsibility for my emotions, thoughts, feelings, ideas, opinions, and actions. Having authority over myself is what matters.
To end this stream of thoughts, I believe I have all the time to do what I want to do and to be who I want to be, and so I don’t have to stand out.
To anyone who’s reading up to this point, thank you for reading my public journal entry. Thank you for taking a peek at whatever is in my head right now.
Happy New Year!
